61

Cognitive dissonance:

• a belief held with deep conviction
• the believer must have committed herself to the belief
• the belief has to be specific and part of daily life
• the believer must be a member of a social group that affirms the same thing
• the contradictory evidence has to be obvious and recognizable

My best friend (age 61) and I (age 68) talked this morning about her misgivings around financial decisions. She said she was inclined to check her decisions by seeking her husband’s opinion. That in itself doesn’t seem unreasonable, and it might even serve as extra security against hasty decisions. She said, though, that she didn’t want to talk with him because it undermined her last 15 years of independent financial decision-making.

Her comment reminded me of my own mother. For a good 20 years my mother acted as though she was dirt poor. She was so convincing that I even slipped twenties into her wallet to ease her worries. And then I found out from my father that she had plenty of money and he would give her whatever she asked for.

I don’t claim to be any clearer thinking about this topic (See 44). What is becoming clear is that many women share this insecurity around claiming financial selfhood. Notice I didn’t say “financial independence,” or “financial self-confidence,” or “financial responsibility.” Most women’s finances are interdependent, most women make daily decisions on expenditures, and most women exhibit responsibility in making those decisions. I’m calling it “financial selfhood.” My daughter would say, “You don’t feel worthy.”

That’s it! And it’s baked into a psychological term, cognitive dissonance. In other words, my actions don’t mesh with my convictions. I ACT financially responsible, but I don’t believe I AM responsible. What’s more, society around me confirms this inconsistency. Loans are denied women without a husband’s co-signature. Credit cards and joint tax returns issued in his name first. My puny social security checks (See 65). Car salesmen talking only to the man when selling a car to the woman. Car sales MEN (Would you buy a car from a woman?). It creates cognitive dissonance on a global scale.

And how do I resolve the dissonance, the two adjacent notes that drill a little hole in my head? I give up one or the other, the responsibility or the self-confidence. Or I do silly little cheats, like “earning money” that I find in the laundry. My grandmother bought lots of antiques and hid them in a room behind a curtain so that my grandfather wouldn’t see them. My mother drank days-old reheated coffee that tasted like liquid cigarette butts.

Back to my best friend. She has complete and total responsibility for hers and her husband’s finances. She’s made money over the past decade while he retired. She has wisely invested to provide for their old age. She follows the stock market while he follows college football. And yet, there’s this niggling little doubt in her mind that asks, “Should I seek his opinion?”

To her credit, she answered her own question by saying, “I don’t want to lose ground. I won’t.”

Ahhhh. Cognitive harmony.